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147 Obnoxious Dad Jokes That'll Make Your Eyes Roll

The ultimate list of 147 eye-rolling dad jokes that'll have you in tears of laughter...or disappointment in humanity.

There certainly isn’t a lot of things which dads around the world CAN’T do, but telling jokes is certainly one of them.

If you’re looking to give pops a few one-liners for the holidays, need a good laugh (maybe dad jokes is your guilty pleasure), or you are the father — we’ve compiled 147 dad jokes that are filled with humor drier than the Sahara Desert.

 

Alriiiight, alright, alright.

First to roll off the tongue goes a little like this...

“Is butt-cheeks one word? Or should I spread them?”

Via JoeFas

I can feel you rolling your eyes already. Don't worry, we only have 146 more to go.

 

2 - I've always wanted to swim in an ocean of soda, it’s my fanta-sea.

Via Safety_First_Guys 

 

3 - Cashier: Sir, do you want a box for these items? 

Dad: No thanks, I’m not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card? 

Via Chateau512 

 

4 - What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European. 

 

5 - A priest who is very conceited when performing a marriage... has an altar ego 

Via boilerup4444 

 

6 – Why did the picture go to jail? It was framed. 

Via Dr_Trik 

 

7 - Why is Dollar Tree the best place to shop for deer? Because the males are a buck. 

Via PleaseBeSerious (very fitting username) 

 

8 - He might be there to hear the tea, but Dad’s don’t spill the tea (probably because they aren’t listening in the first place)

 

9 - Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?  They say he made a mint! 

 

10 - How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it. 

Via tymoski 

 

11 – To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word

 

12 - Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece. 

Via somekindahuman 

Ahh, this one’s perfect for the “newly dads”  

13 - If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest? 

Via korpsart 

 

14 - "Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!" 

 

15 - Five out of four people admit they're bad with fractions! 

 

16 - "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y." (Almost as bad as him forgetting to put money under the pillow when on “tooth-fairy duty”)

 

17 - My blind girlfriend told me she is seeing someone else. I told her how happy I was and she got mad and said she didn't want to see me anymore... I really don't understand women sometimes. (Mom LOVES when he tells this one.)

Via Lord_Smile 

 

18 - I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad! 

 

19 - "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless." 

 

20 - I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down! 

Via raheel1122 

 

21 - Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way! 

 

22 - Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.

 

23 - I thought of a new joke that started in a cornfield...But I'm not going to say it because it's too corny. 

 

24 - My smartphone tracks my cat's sleep patterns. There's a nap for that. 

Via JoeFas 

 

25 - Do you know how I feel? ...With my hands (This one’s actually funny because dads don’t talk about feelings.)

Via just-me-illu 

 

Fair warning, this next dad joke is advanced.

26 - My friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes. Now we call him Dr. Awkward. 

Via mefingers 

 

27 - The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this! 

 

28 - What's brown and sticky? A stick! 

 

29 - I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks! 

 

30 - Which professional racing circuit would be easiest for babies to compete in? Formula 1 

Via thatsMR_DANGLE 

 

31 - What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot! 

 

32 - What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows. 

Via Lee_Hey_pat 

 

33 - What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? "Close the door, I'm dressing!" 

 

34 - How do you put an astronaut’s baby to sleep? You rock-it 

Via DaSnookGuy23 

 

35 - How do you write a cliffhanger? 

Via TheeMainEvent 

 

36 - I have jokes about the unemployed... But they just don’t work 

Via Chake99 

 

37 - The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this! 

We’re telling you...math is their thing. It’s the international dad skill. 

 

38 - My brother flattens boxes for work. He makes exboxes.  If he loses his job, you'll have to console him. But, he can bring back happiness using joy sticks. Don't worry, these puns were nintendoed. 

Via reddit 

 

39 -  Question: Is that a new book you're reading? What's it about?

Answer: About 200 pages. 

Via Coco_Bueno 

 

40 - "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream." 

 

41 - Some people don't like pencils. They're erasist

Via sengariph 

 

42 - When Moses came down the mountain he noticed his followers had bad breath. So he gave them the Ten Commandmints

Via boogerknows 

 

43 - "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent." 

 

44 - Astronomers got tired of watching the Earth rotate after 24 hours...so they decided to call it a day! 

Via peanutbutter_n_jenny 

 

45 - We lost another flat-earther yesterday. I think he went off the deep end!  

Via Texas_OT 

 

46 - "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off." 

Great joke, but we know this one's a lie — dads love velcro

 

47 - "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant." 

 

48 - Why shouldn't you gamble with a cattle farmer? They are always raising the steaks!  

Via arcadianchef 

 

49 - Why are pirates so good at singing? Because they love hitting the high C.  

Via Rhazjok 

 

50 - "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize." 

 

51 - What do you call a dull spear? A pointless weapon...  

Via Texas_OT 

 

52 – My wife says I'm the cheapest man in the world. I'm not buying it. 

 

53 - How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree?  From the bark. 

 

54 - "Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me." 

 

55 - I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water... It’s an untapped market.  

Via HellaMajestic 

 

56 - Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater

 

57 - What do you call numbers that can't stay still? Roamin' Numerals 

Via xX_Noosh_Xx 

 

58 - Only anti-vaxers will get this one: Small-Pox

 Via bot_10 

 

59 - Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady! 

 

60 - "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in." 

 

61 - What is the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag's a big plus

 Via vik-ram-8_4 

 

62 - The Wood Glue I just bought doesn't stick. I guess I got the wouldn't glue instead. 

Via rewind44 

 

63 - Question: "Why did the big bird feel left out? 

Answer: Because he was ostrich sized 

 

64 - How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan? You take away their little brooms.  

Via JRBX 

 

65 - I need some help fixing my new pen. Anyone have any tips? 

Via MisterMcDoctor 

 

66 - A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere! 

 

67 - What did the light switch say to the light bulb at the bar? So, you come here off and on?  

Via fuzzydoug 

 

68 - One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!

 

WARNING: This one’s a little raunchy. And yes, we saved it for this specific number on the list. 

 

69 - [NSFW] I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition... I still don't know where I came  

Via huntershark666 

 

70 - What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto! (Please say a prayer for every Roberto that dad will come across.)

 

71 - My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down! 

 

72 - My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home! 

 

73 - Question: What do you call a hippie's wife? 

Answer: Mississippi

Via 44tacocat44 

 

74 - When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, "No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton!"

 

Dad might not want to drink milk out of a bag but he’ll certainly want to pull his jokes out of one.

 

So we created the Dad Bag, just for him.

Or for you — a great gift idea instead of buying him another pair of socks or a tie that’ll be donated to his “unworn” collection.

You can get it here for just $9.98!

 

75 - George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman. He even used the name when he had a little grill. 

Via bot_10 

 

76 - Question: What does a baby computer call his father?

Answer: Data

 

77 - Question: What did the 0 say to the 8?

Answer: Nice belt

Via Purdu787 

 

78 - Question: What concert costs just 45 cents?

Answer: 50 Cent ft. Nickelback 

Via f-a-c-e 

 

79 - Question: Did you hear the rumor about butter?

Answer: Well, I'm not going to spread it! 

 

80 - I'm an average guy... But sometimes I can get kinda mean 

Via jenkisjenk 

 

81 - Question: How do moths swim?

Answer: Using the butterfly stroke. 

 

82 - Question: What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?

Answer: A lunar cycle

Via colour_of_cows 

 

83 - Question: What did the mouse use to build his house?

Answer: Cottage cheese 

Via aueagleswr 

 

84 - Question: Want to hear a joke about ADHD?

Answer: So a guy walked up to 

Via Texas_OT 

 

85 - Question: What do you call an illegally parked frog?

Answer: Toad

 

86 - My friend told me that I need to stop singing I'm a believer because it was getting annoying but I thought she was kidding... But then I saw her face 

Via bricksheffield 

*ba dum dum tss* 

 

87 - Question: What did the fly say when he hit the windshield?

Answer: I don't have the guts to do that again! 

Via YetiFromJersey 

 

88 - Its hard to say what my wife does for a living. She sells sea shells by the sea shore.

Via Lmaolol69 

 

89 - Question: Do I know any jokes about sodium?

Answer: NA 

Via EddtheMetalHead 

 

90 - I wanted to dress up as a UDP Packet for Halloween... But I’m not sure if anyone will get it 

Via Th7rtyFour 

 

91 - My friend once told me centrifugal force doesn't exist. He was clearly out of the loop. 

Via OGgoob666 

 

92 - Sometimes I work from home and put a blanket over me. You could say, I work undercover. 

 

93 - I tried to explain my friend how balls bounce... It went over his head. 

Via iknowthisischeesy (it surely is) 

 

94 - Question: What did Tennessee?

Answer: The same thing Arkansas! 

Via RageMonster17 

 

95 - Pun enters a room, kills 10 people 

Pun in, 10 Dead. 

My case is closed. 

Via Steven_s532 

 

96 - Question: Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?

Answer: So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian 

Via LeopardusMaximus 

 

97 - Question: What's the best type of spoon?

Answer: I'll tell you ladle

Via UniversalHeatDeath 

 

98 - When I first got my universal remote I thought "This changes everything." 

Via TommyBVT 

 

99 - Question: What's a duck's favorite restaurant?

Answer: Quacker Barrel! 

Via scardeal 

 

100 - My neighbor kept running across my lawn and then pretends to get blown up by explosives. 

I’m tired of his mine games. 

Via buckeyespud 

 

101 - Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today. But it’s definitely up there. 

Via porichoygupto 

 

102 - How do you get a hipster to eat a hot dog? Put it in a man bun! 

Via smolprincess928 

 

103 - My wife found out I was cheating after she found all the letters I had hidden. She went crazy and said she won't play Scrabble with me again! 

 

104 - I dated a girl with a lazy eye once... Turns out she was seeing someone on the side 

Via HassanMoRiT 

 

105 - If you hit Dwayne Johnson's ass, does it mean you hit rock bottom? 

Via TroubledClassifier 

 

106 - I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.” 

Via ruchi565 

 

107 - Some people are like Slinkies. Not all that useful but fun to push down the stairs. 

Via TommyBVT 

 

108 - Why don't ghosts go into gyms? Because people are exorcising. 

Via epikshit 

 

109 - Question: Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?

Answer: Because with great power comes great response ability. 

Via bot_10 

 

110 - A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and 

torso away. I told him to quit while he was a head. 

Via boilerup4444 

 

111 - I found out why nurses carry red crayons... In case they have to draw blood. 

Via 33billings 

 

112 - Question:Do I enjoy making courthouse puns?

Answer: Guilty 

Via baddadjokes 

 

113 - Question: What would ROCKY be called if it were a hockey movie?

Answer: ROCKEY! 

Via 3amjokes 

 

114 - If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness? 

Via Gingafer81 

 

115 - Question: What type of drugs do ducks do?

Answer: Quack 

Via AceCamoMaster 

 

116 - My friend wrote an article about seat belts... It's a safety feature. 

Via thomasbrakeline 

 

117 - I saw a guy with the same shoes that I had today... He was my solemate! (Could you imagine dad walking up to a stranger and saying that to them?)

Via posexdon 

 

118 - Heck man, I had 4 cans of alphabet soup earlier and now I have huge vowel movements 

Via vapingpigeon94 

 

119 - Question: What's a decent Asian stereo type?

Answer: Sony and Yamaha are my favorite. 

Via n3rv0u5 

 

120 - What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? Dam. 

Via killsforsporks 

 

121 - My wife said she'd leave me if I ever changed the Wi-Fi password... We have a code dependent relationship. 

Via CSwork1 

 

122 - To be Frank, I'd have to change my name. 

Via m8lloo_695 

 

123 - Answer: How does a rock pee?

Answer: He Dwaynes his Johnson 

Via retailgiant 

 

124 - I hate vacuum cleaners. They suck! (It's not like they clean anyways)

Via iknowthisischeesy 

 

125 - Donating blood can be A-positive experience! But sometimes it can B-negative... 

Via Degtyrev 

 

126 - I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk. It shall be a security gourd! 

Via Brad_Barracuda 

 

127 - My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well

Via MrKrabs7382 

 

128 - Question: What types of drugs do sea creatures consume?

Answer: Seaweed!! 

Via magicshopp 

 

129 - Question: How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?

Answer: Shepherds Pie 

Via Neko_Queen 

 

130 - Have you heard the one about the comedian that ran out of material? 

Via Hargley 

 

131 - Store Clerk: May I help you?

Dad: Oh thank God, yes! Hey sweetie go get your math homework, this nice lady is going to help us.

Via Simon Cholland

 

132 - You know, the worst thing about porn is that it creates completely unreasonable expectations about how quickly I can get a plumber or pool guy at my house.

Via td941 

 

133 - Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. He's 11 years old and still doesn't know my name is Brian.

Via MrKrabs7382 

That one was a real knee slapper... 

 

134 - I put LEDs on her engagement ring. Her face lit up when I proposed! 

Via the_randomniss 

 

135 - I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a scandal. Elongate would really stretch on. 

Via besthingsinliferfree 

 

136 - Ya hear about the first guy to invent garden shears? It was cutting-hedge technology. 

Via Mardrom_Bransle 

 

137 - I hate reading manuals for staircases. There are always too many steps. 

Via Paper_piper_poet 

 

138 - A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants.

Bartender: Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?

Pirate: Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts! 

Via VeryLastBison 

 

139 - My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me... 

Via lakshika88 

 

140 - My wife bought me soy sauce to help ease my depression. Kikkoman when he's down, I guess. 

Via tyroneshoelaces121 

 

141 - I got my son a new jacket for this winter. 

He didn’t like it, so I asked him why. 

He said, “I don’t feel very cool in this jacket.” 

I replied, “Exactly! So what’s the problem?” 

Via Lukarate 

 

142 - Question: How do birds stick together as a flock?

Answer: Velcrow

Via Tims1737 

 

143 - Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hot dog. So I told them it's because I just wanna relish it. 

Via trollcitybandit 

 

144 - Before my surgery, my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation. 

Via bot_10 

 

145 - I've just been informed that my six-year-old son is not mine and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school. 

Via Jan_Tik 

 

146 - When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears. So you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches. 

Via UriahPeabody 

 

147 - What do you get when you cross a dad joke with a rhetorical question? 

 

If you're still missing something to get in full on dad mode, then we suggest you buy some Oakley sunglasses, a dad hat and some New Balance white sneakers to getcha in the mood.

 

Now, as they say in Russia, we Moscow

 

Sorry, I had to sneak one more in.