There certainly isn’t a lot of things which dads around the world CAN’T do, but telling jokes is certainly one of them.
If you’re looking to give pops a few one-liners for the holidays, need a good laugh (maybe dad jokes is your guilty pleasure), or you are the father — we’ve compiled 147 dad jokes that are filled with humor drier than the Sahara Desert.
Alriiiight, alright, alright.
First to roll off the tongue goes a little like this...
“Is butt-cheeks one word? Or should I spread them?”
I can feel you rolling your eyes already. Don't worry, we only have 146 more to go.
2 - I've always wanted to swim in an ocean of soda, it’s my fanta-sea.
3 - Cashier: Sir, do you want a box for these items?
Dad: No thanks, I’m not much of an athlete. Is it okay if I just pay with my card?
4 - What happens when you go to the bathroom in France? European.
5 - A priest who is very conceited when performing a marriage... has an altar ego
6 – Why did the picture go to jail? It was framed.
7 - Why is Dollar Tree the best place to shop for deer? Because the males are a buck.
Via PleaseBeSerious (very fitting username)
8 - He might be there to hear the tea, but Dad’s don’t spill the tea (probably because they aren’t listening in the first place).
9 - Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint!
10 - How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
11 – To whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office, I will find you. You have my Word!
12 - Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
Ahh, this one’s perfect for the “newly dads”
13 - If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
14 - "Dad, did you get a haircut?" "No, I got them all cut!"
15 - Five out of four people admit they're bad with fractions!
16 - "What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurt-y." (Almost as bad as him forgetting to put money under the pillow when on “tooth-fairy duty”)
17 - My blind girlfriend told me she is seeing someone else. I told her how happy I was and she got mad and said she didn't want to see me anymore... I really don't understand women sometimes. (Mom LOVES when he tells this one.)
18 - I'll call you later. Don't call me later, call me Dad!
19 - "I made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless."
20 - I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down!
21 - Did you hear about the Italian chef who died? He pasta way!
22 - Which is faster, hot or cold? Hot, because you can catch a cold.
23 - I thought of a new joke that started in a cornfield...But I'm not going to say it because it's too corny.
24 - My smartphone tracks my cat's sleep patterns. There's a nap for that.
25 - Do you know how I feel? ...With my hands (This one’s actually funny because dads don’t talk about feelings.)
Fair warning, this next dad joke is advanced.
26 - My friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes. Now we call him Dr. Awkward.
27 - The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!
28 - What's brown and sticky? A stick!
29 - I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I'm just doing it for kicks!
30 - Which professional racing circuit would be easiest for babies to compete in? Formula 1
31 - What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot!
32 - What do you call someone with no body and no nose? Nobody knows.
33 - What did the Ranch say when someone opened the refrigerator door? "Close the door, I'm dressing!"
34 - How do you put an astronaut’s baby to sleep? You rock-it
35 - How do you write a cliffhanger?
36 - I have jokes about the unemployed... But they just don’t work
37 - The difference between a numerator and a denominator is a short line. Only a fraction of people will understand this!
We’re telling you...math is their thing. It’s the international dad skill.
38 - My brother flattens boxes for work. He makes exboxes. If he loses his job, you'll have to console him. But, he can bring back happiness using joy sticks. Don't worry, these puns were nintendoed.
39 - Question: Is that a new book you're reading? What's it about?
Answer: About 200 pages.
40 - "What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament? Live stream."
41 - Some people don't like pencils. They're erasist.
42 - When Moses came down the mountain he noticed his followers had bad breath. So he gave them the Ten Commandmints!
43 - "When does a joke become a dad joke? When it becomes apparent."
44 - Astronomers got tired of watching the Earth rotate after 24 hours...so they decided to call it a day!
45 - We lost another flat-earther yesterday. I think he went off the deep end!
46 - "I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off."
Great joke, but we know this one's a lie — dads love velcro
47 - "What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? An irrelephant."
48 - Why shouldn't you gamble with a cattle farmer? They are always raising the steaks!
49 - Why are pirates so good at singing? Because they love hitting the high C.
50 - "Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke? He won the 'no-bell' prize."
51 - What do you call a dull spear? A pointless weapon...
52 – My wife says I'm the cheapest man in the world. I'm not buying it.
53 - How can you tell it’s a dogwood tree? From the bark.
54 - "Dad, can you put my shoes on?" "No, I don't think they'll fit me."
55 - I’m going to start a YouTube channel where I critique bottled water... It’s an untapped market.
56 - Justice is a dish best served cold, if it were served warm it would be justwater.
57 - What do you call numbers that can't stay still? Roamin' Numerals
58 - Only anti-vaxers will get this one: Small-Pox!
59 - Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days? They just seem a little shady!
60 - "This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in."
61 - What is the biggest advantage of living in Switzerland? I don't know, but their flag's a big plus.
62 - The Wood Glue I just bought doesn't stick. I guess I got the wouldn't glue instead.
63 - Question: "Why did the big bird feel left out?
Answer: Because he was ostrich sized
64 - How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan? You take away their little brooms.
65 - I need some help fixing my new pen. Anyone have any tips?
66 - A cheese factory exploded in France. Da brie is everywhere!
67 - What did the light switch say to the light bulb at the bar? So, you come here off and on?
68 - One of my favorite memories as a kid was when my brothers used to put me inside a tire and roll me down a hill. They were Goodyears!
WARNING: This one’s a little raunchy. And yes, we saved it for this specific number on the list.
69 - [NSFW] I entered a blindfolded masturbation competition... I still don't know where I came
70 - What do you call a guy with a rubber toe? Roberto! (Please say a prayer for every Roberto that dad will come across.)
71 - My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down!
72 - My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home!
73 - Question: What do you call a hippie's wife?
74 - When the grocery store clerk asks me if I want the milk in a bag, I always tell him, "No, I'd rather drink it out of the carton!"
Dad might not want to drink milk out of a bag but he’ll certainly want to pull his jokes out of one.
So we created the Custom Fortune Cookie Bag, just for him.
He can finally write all his best dad jokes in one of these bad boys and hand them out at the next family reunion.
Get him this instead of buying him another pair of socks or a tie that’ll be donated to his “unworn” collection.
75 - George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman. He even used the name when he had a little grill.
76 - Question: What does a baby computer call his father?
77 - Question: What did the 0 say to the 8?
Answer: Nice belt
78 - Question: What concert costs just 45 cents?
Answer: 50 Cent ft. Nickelback
79 - Question: Did you hear the rumor about butter?
Answer: Well, I'm not going to spread it!
80 - I'm an average guy... But sometimes I can get kinda mean
81 - Question: How do moths swim?
Answer: Using the butterfly stroke.
82 - Question: What's a werewolf's favorite mode of transport?
Answer: A lunar cycle
83 - Question: What did the mouse use to build his house?
Answer: Cottage cheese
84 - Question: Want to hear a joke about ADHD?
Answer: So a guy walked up to
85 - Question: What do you call an illegally parked frog?
86 - My friend told me that I need to stop singing I'm a believer because it was getting annoying but I thought she was kidding... But then I saw her face
*ba dum dum tss*
87 - Question: What did the fly say when he hit the windshield?
Answer: I don't have the guts to do that again!
88 - Its hard to say what my wife does for a living. She sells sea shells by the sea shore.
89 - Question: Do I know any jokes about sodium?
90 - I wanted to dress up as a UDP Packet for Halloween... But I’m not sure if anyone will get it
91 - My friend once told me centrifugal force doesn't exist. He was clearly out of the loop.
92 - Sometimes I work from home and put a blanket over me. You could say, I work undercover.
93 - I tried to explain my friend how balls bounce... It went over his head.
Via iknowthisischeesy (it surely is)
94 - Question: What did Tennessee?
Answer: The same thing Arkansas!
95 - Pun enters a room, kills 10 people
Pun in, 10 Dead.
My case is closed.
96 - Question: Why does the Norwegian navy have bar codes on the side of their ships?
Answer: So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian
97 - Question: What's the best type of spoon?
Answer: I'll tell you ladle
98 - When I first got my universal remote I thought "This changes everything."
99 - Question: What's a duck's favorite restaurant?
Answer: Quacker Barrel!
100 - My neighbor kept running across my lawn and then pretends to get blown up by explosives.
I’m tired of his mine games.
101 - Getting my toy drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today. But it’s definitely up there.
102 - How do you get a hipster to eat a hot dog? Put it in a man bun!
103 - My wife found out I was cheating after she found all the letters I had hidden. She went crazy and said she won't play Scrabble with me again!
104 - I dated a girl with a lazy eye once... Turns out she was seeing someone on the side
105 - If you hit Dwayne Johnson's ass, does it mean you hit rock bottom?
106 - I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson… He said, “But dad, your name is Brian.” I said, “I know, but I was named AFTER Thomas Jefferson.”
107 - Some people are like Slinkies. Not all that useful but fun to push down the stairs.
108 - Why don't ghosts go into gyms? Because people are exorcising.
109 - Question: Why is Spider-Man so good at comebacks?
Answer: Because with great power comes great response ability.
110 - A knew a guy with such a bad gambling addiction, that he gambled his arms, legs, and
torso away. I told him to quit while he was a head.
111 - I found out why nurses carry red crayons... In case they have to draw blood.
112 - Question:Do I enjoy making courthouse puns?
113 - Question: What would ROCKY be called if it were a hockey movie?
114 - If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness?
115 - Question: What type of drugs do ducks do?
116 - My friend wrote an article about seat belts... It's a safety feature.
117 - I saw a guy with the same shoes that I had today... He was my solemate! (Could you imagine dad walking up to a stranger and saying that to them?)
118 - Heck man, I had 4 cans of alphabet soup earlier and now I have huge vowel movements
119 - Question: What's a decent Asian stereo type?
Answer: Sony and Yamaha are my favorite.
120 - What did the fish say when it swam into the wall? Dam.
121 - My wife said she'd leave me if I ever changed the Wi-Fi password... We have a code dependent relationship.
122 - To be Frank, I'd have to change my name.
123 - Answer: How does a rock pee?
Answer: He Dwaynes his Johnson
124 - I hate vacuum cleaners. They suck! (It's not like they clean anyways)
125 - Donating blood can be A-positive experience! But sometimes it can B-negative...
126 - I work in security, and i want to get a pumpkin for my desk. It shall be a security gourd!
127 - My friend keeps saying "cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water." I know he means well.
128 - Question: What types of drugs do sea creatures consume?
129 - Question: How do you measure the circumference of a Sheep?
Answer: Shepherds Pie
130 - Have you heard the one about the comedian that ran out of material?
131 - Store Clerk: May I help you?
Dad: Oh thank God, yes! Hey sweetie go get your math homework, this nice lady is going to help us.
Via Simon Cholland
132 - You know, the worst thing about porn is that it creates completely unreasonable expectations about how quickly I can get a plumber or pool guy at my house.
133 - Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears. He's 11 years old and still doesn't know my name is Brian.
That one was a real knee slapper...
134 - I put LEDs on her engagement ring. Her face lit up when I proposed!
135 - I hope Elon Musk never gets caught up in a scandal. Elongate would really stretch on.
136 - Ya hear about the first guy to invent garden shears? It was cutting-hedge technology.
137 - I hate reading manuals for staircases. There are always too many steps.
138 - A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel hanging out of his pants.
Bartender: Do you realize you have a steering wheel in your pants?
Pirate: Arrrgh, it’s drivin’ me nuts!
139 - My daughter screeched, "Daaaaaad, you haven't listened to one word I've said, have you!?" What a strange way to start a conversation with me...
140 - My wife bought me soy sauce to help ease my depression. Kikkoman when he's down, I guess.
141 - I got my son a new jacket for this winter.
He didn’t like it, so I asked him why.
He said, “I don’t feel very cool in this jacket.”
I replied, “Exactly! So what’s the problem?”
142 - Question: How do birds stick together as a flock?
143 - Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hot dog. So I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
144 - Before my surgery, my anesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle. It was an ether/oar situation.
145 - I've just been informed that my six-year-old son is not mine and that I have to pay more attention when I pick him up from school.
146 - When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears. So you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.
147 - What do you get when you cross a dad joke with a rhetorical question?
If you're still missing something to get in full on dad mode, then we suggest you buy some Oakley sunglasses, a dad hat and some New Balance white sneakers to getcha in the mood.
Now, as they say in Russia, we Moscow.
Sorry, I had to sneak one more in.